I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
