apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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