apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
