Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
