Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
