I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
