I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
