trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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