so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
