I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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