whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
