Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
