i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
