I need to stop coming to work sober
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
