Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
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he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
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I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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