Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
