I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Banned from zoo.
Again?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
