Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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