Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
