Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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