I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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