We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
