I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
