They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
