u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
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