i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
