so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
