i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
