I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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