Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
