...so i touched it.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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