Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
