I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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