i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
