i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
