I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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