sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
