I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
