yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
