People in love make me want to vomit
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
