Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
