Have you finally orgasmed yet?
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
