just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Randomize
