I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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