Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
