dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
