I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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