1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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