I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
