Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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