the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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