the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
