I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
