Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
being pregnant is like rehab
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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