I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Randomize
