my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
