hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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