oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
