Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I will pee on everything he values.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
