The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
