All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
