she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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